I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
