My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
high people should be assigned attendants
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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