You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
