He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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