I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
