Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
