I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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