Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
