Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
