Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
