you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
too bad you live with your parents still
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
