she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
