His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
