As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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