I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
