Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
