it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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