I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
