i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
