you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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