haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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