there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My feet surprised me
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