all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
