I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
