remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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