8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
