We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
