we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
