omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
