So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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