You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I will pee on everything he values.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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