I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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