Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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