We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
