I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
