Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
