woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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