hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
