I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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