last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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