gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
