I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
