dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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