its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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