he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
