I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
