I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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