everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
