and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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