I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize