your parents love me but you hate me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
