just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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