he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Someone signed my nipple.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
