2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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