So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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