I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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