dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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