I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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