grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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