I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
